Hi Jaime,

Just a question...how long has this been going on for? Because behaviour like this cannot be justified long-term. If he was stressed and acting like that for a few days, then you could put it down to external stress. But if it has been going on longer then it sounds like an unhealthy pattern.

I don't think you are being abusive but it sounds like you could be encouraging his outbursts by walking on eggshells around him. Think about it: someone looking after every aspect of your life because they don't want you getting 'upset'...it sounds like you are his concierge.

Perhaps backing off would do you both good. You need to make it clear that if he over-reacts then it is his problem. If he wants to get upset over misplaced keys, let him. Ignoring his outbursts and letting him sort it out for himself might make him realise its not the end of the world when little things go wrong. It will also save you a lot of stress.

Jamie,

This is a really difficult question. Maybe "abuse" is not the right way to think of it, because that implies blame. I don't know your situation, but it does remind me of experiences I've had in the past where I nearly went mad trying to work out whose fault or whose responsibility something was. The answer was usually that it's everyone's fault, because they contribute in some way, and it's no one's fault, because there are understandable reasons why people do what they do.

Your only responsibility is yourself. The way you are behaving may not be healthy (for you or for your partner - but that doesn't mean it's abusive). It might be that there is no healthy, productive way you can behave in this situation. If that's the case, then the only decision you really have is to stay or to leave. But please, you have to find someone to talk to, otherwise you will continue to feel insane. It could be a friend, a counsellor, or anyone.

Thanks both for your comments. Nothing's changed, and I still don't know what to do, but I'm still hoping he can learn to control himself a bit better.

In retrospect, there's no real time that it started. I can see now that this is part of a pattern of him feeling out of control and powerless. I feel like he's almost provoking me to do something - shout at him, hit him, or leave him. Sometimes I do shout, but no more.

Simone, I think you may be right that this isn't a case of abuse or not abuse. Maybe it would be easier if it was (I know that sounds bad) but at least then I'd know what I should do.

I don't know who to talk to and my bad experience with the counsellor has put me off. I don't want to be told how to make "I statements" or any of that crap - this seems like a much more fundamental issue than that. And also not within my power to change by tinkering with my own communication style. Yeah that seems to be a theme - I can't change this. He has to.

Sometimes it seems so clear that I should just leave him, that he doesn't deserve me. But this is the man I thought I'd be with forever, who I could have a family with. If he could just sort this out it would be fine.

Thanks for listening.

It seems to me that there is such a bad pattern here that staying together will only reinforce each of your reactions until you destroy each other.

Perhaps you should just walk away and start a new life. If you really think he's the one, tell him that you will meet him again in 12 months time and if, and only if, the patterns of behaviour are broken, you can try again. If he really cares about you and not just himself, he should understand this.